A Few Tense Moments

I stopped to rest in a small, open-air shopping center on my way to the beach the other day. I parked my bike against the bike rack, and bought a glass bottle of Coke from the nearby Pharmacy. The uninterested cashier laughed when I asked for a bottle opener but the burly man behind me in line offered to pop it open with his lighter. I was annoyed and satisfied all at the same time.

I sat on the curb to finish my drink under the warm, pleasant sunlight when I noticed two women sweating in athletic gear, fanning themselves and talking as they waited for a Hallmark to open. One of them carried what looked like a defective photo frame and the other held an eco-friendly shopping bag against her chest. They peered into the Hallmark windows wearing concerned and agitated faces.

“They can’t just open the door? It’s five minutes till, I mean, seriously. They see us standing here don’t they?” the woman holding the photo frame casually remarked.

The more timid woman, with the canvas bag, smiled in agreement and replied, “Ridiculous, isn’t it?”

They didn’t see me inch closer to them, and even I didn’t know why I was so interested to begin with. I didn’t know whether it was my (purely human) judgmental nature, boredom, or uninhibited curiosity.

A few tense moments passed.

“Okay! That’s it!” the woman holding the defective photo frame started, “It’s 10 o’clock now. They need to open those doors. Are they kidding? They’re just going to let us stand here in the heat?”

While they spoke, the Hallmark employee was dusting off the last of her assigned mini statuettes and playfully swaying her head to whatever music was playing.

“She’s acting like she doesn’t see us standing here.”

Thirty seconds had passed since the clock struck ten. Thirty seconds had passed since the sticker on the door informed us the doors would open.

Thirty seconds is how long it took for the woman with the defective photo frame to pull her smart phone out from her purse and Google the store’s phone number.

“Hello? Hi there! It’s ten o’clock now. Are you going to open anytime soon?”

A few more tense moments passed.

An elderly employee emerged from the front doors and smiled earnestly at the two women and myself. She looked out at the heat and the pitch black parking lot and the defective photo frame. She said, “Welcome to Hallmark.”

Phew. The air was clear now. The two tense women were relieved of their anxiety, comfortable now in the air conditioned gift shop, just minutes closer to having a photo frame that wasn’t defective.

On my way to the beach, as I waited for red lights to turn green, alongside disabled patrons who waited for cars to make sharp turns, I thought about all of the days this semester I had waited impatiently for class to end. All those times I waited anxiously for phone calls and emails. Packages. Results. People. All of those times I had been unsatisfied with the present moment.

I suppose, in the West, being ungrateful is something we often take for granted.

The Art of Progress (a contrast to my last post)

It’s only natural for a dreamy, constantly-in-doubt,  pseudo intellectual type like myself to continually, frantically wonder “why?”. I tell my wretched brain to stop but it begs for reflection, and I end up with a head full of thoughts about progress. What about progress? Why do I always feel stagnant?

Progress is huge to us (humanity!). In fact, the ego created “time” in order to measure progress. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been intimidated by it. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been good at math, or at least particularly interested by anything that has a definite answer. Anything in the action-based part of the brain has always been taboo for me. Instead, I’ve been connected to the elemental, those floating moments in the absence of time, the breathless encounters that only emotion can understand, and passivity itself.

Oh yeah, that’s why I never finish anything I start, right?

Well, wait, we all crave action. We all want to move forward. Even though we are seeking our “true selves” and our true selves have no interest in progress. Our true selves want to bask in stillness. Our true selves don’t even age. It is a blessing to be even remotely acquainted with our souls because of these marvelous qualities.

However, today I realized this: If we can stay in the moment long enough to complete a single task in the physical realm, we can continue to work off of that focused energy, and be one step closer to the Western enlightenment we crave. By completing little achievements  we can bring our special talents to the world on a greater scale. Rather than sitting, pondering, wondering why nothing ever gets done, we might actually finish something!

I guess you know what follows in my usual reflective blog posts. There is always a list. Lists are friends.

A few obscure steps to promoting straightforward focus & progress:

1. A Healthy Diet – Eat in a sustainable manner. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but it helps when our bodies are in sync with our goals. If you want personal enlightenment, you must start from the most literal, within. Reducing animals from your diet can help immensely. Animals suffer before they die, and if everything vibrates, that vibration is inside of you. Plus, it helps you live at one with the animals around you. Meat production is also mass consumed, which makes it trivial and diminishes profound thought.

2. Keep Moving - Yoga, cardiovascular, strength repetitions, ect. can improve your focus by miles. You’ll be able to hold poses, stay centered enough to finish them, learn to breathe deeply, and learn about your body / mind. One thing always relates to the other! Work-out sessions also keep you energized and therefore not sluggish, so you’ll sit and do homework instead of watching TMZ all afternoon.

3. Hydration – I know it seems redundant, but if you ever wonder why you feel tired or frustrated, it may be time to start drinking your 8 fluid ounces. Lack of water keeps you from performing at your best, causes dark circles, yellowing / cracked skin, and obviously dehydrates your body temple. Try being mindful of just how many sodas you’ve consumed as opposed to glasses of water. Take water shots throughout the day. It’ll become habit after 21 days.

4. Prayer and Visualization - If you roll that way.

5. Humility, Hard Work, and Sacrifice - Yes, it all comes down to these three. Next time the Wendy Williams Show is blaring on a Friday afternoon, think about how much more important your homework is than the latest gossip. I know it seems ridiculous to miss Charlie Sheen’s latest hooker-escapade, but it must be done to achieve success. Time will pass regardless of whether you work hard or not, so make it count. You owe it to yourself, and so do I.

Have no fear, friends! Enjoy your weekends and keep it mindful!

The Fabulous Life of a Big, Fat Loser.

In case I sound like a secure, strong-willed, well-versed, and opinionated woman within the carefully plotted barriers of my blog posts, I suppose it’s time we smash the dynamic of our writer-reader relationship with a fat, smoking dose of reality. I am a 21 year old girl who can’t drive, on a fairly out dated lap top, with too much time to ponder my own lack of experience, on my off-semester at fucking community college. And you know what, those “off the grid” qualities we have, those insecurities that don’t measure up to our perception of the rest of the world, can make us feel like real life aliens. I mean, finishing driver’s ed will be my second largest accomplishment next to giving birth, and I didn’t even do that right – I had a C-section.

I’m going to glamorize myself one last time, not as an attempt to impress you with my eloquence and ability to transition from one topic to the next fabulously, but to make a point – I’m a big loser who spends most of her time losing. I admit it, and I’m changing the game, right now, because I don’t have a real job anyway.

Do you ever wonder who writes your favorite online articles? No, I mean, who really writes them – behind the degree and the Photoshop. I’m a freelance writer, which means my job requires no credentials except my ability to write moderately polite emails to editors and not cry every other week when I get rejected. To tell you the truth, developing a “tough skin” hasn’t been forced on me by editors or schools or rejection letters – because I have often been my most daunting, most devious, most disgustingly obsessive worst enemy. And so it goes for the rest of the world, I know. While my parents are attending their 9-5 cubicles religiously, so that I can have the financial freedom to douse myself in pity, I am attending my own job: pretending to know about things, pretending to inform people, while only knowing how to make sentences sound pretty. Whenever I write an article, I am mostly shooting off a gun in the middle of a pitch black desert. Who knows how many people I have misinformed, and ultimately killed. Thank god I mostly get rejected. And thank god for this blog, where I can be myself, without fear of rejection.

For those of you who can’t drive, you’ll learn and you won’t kill anyone because you will have taken your time. And you’ll call cabs when you’re drunk. And when you get mad, you’ll lock yourself inside your tinted windows to forget anything else exists.

For those of you who can’t transfer, you will, eventually they’ll get tired of reading your sob stories as an excuse for a personal statement.

For those of you who live at home, you’ll move. You’ll move out when you’re ready so you won’t have to borrow your friend’s truck to transfer your things while your landlord is at church because you can’t pay rent.

If your soul mate acknowledges you only to forward your calls to voice mail, they’ll come around, maybe not in this lifetime or astral plane – but hey, we take what we can get.

If you feel stagnant, you’re not.

And if you think you’re a loser, just think of me.

“I’m a loser, baby. So why don’t you kill me?”

Fuck Me Silly.

There’s just no eloquent way to introduce this, so let’s get right down to it. Are we dumber for having casual sex? Or are we more enlightened, more advanced, and more liberated? Can someone be my muse without being my everything? And lastly, when a female uses a male for sex, will it ever be recognized? I’ve come to find that for females, sexual pleasure is like chopping a tree down when no one can hear it. If we get it right, if we reach our climax, people look at us as though we’ve just told Satan, “It’s all good, take me down! I just had casual sex!” or it isn’t acknowledged at all. We didn’t have an orgasm, we didn’t get lucky – we got used, taken advantage of; because we put out.

As if I’m some lovely flower who’s supposed to play hard to get until someone snatches me from the ground, leading me to my death. You’ve heard how we’re supposed to guard our virginity as if it was a rose, and every petal taken off is killing us slowly and painfully. But, we aren’t in middle school anymore. Our sunglasses are not so rose colored.

When the night winds down, and the sun rises to greet the ambrosial period of the following day, and the dew starts to set over all the playgrounds, a lot of feelings might begin to sink in. Right? You know, those feelings of “did I really just hook up with my ex?” or “that last shot of jack was a questionable choice” or “Lord, how will I forgive myself? How will I forget this?” start to crowd our consciousnesses. We rarely stop beating ourselves with the flaccid penises of last night’s stand. We rarely stop to congratulate ourselves for doing what men consider the highest accomplishment of life itself: we just got laid.

Bam. My mom is going to kill me. But good writing is honest, and clear, and oftentimes influenced by those passing thoughts that our judgment doesn’t allow us to filter out. Being the “ethical slut” I’ve heard my friends rambling about is truly something to admire, something to aspire to, and something to allow ourselves the pleasure of knowing at least once in our ever-expanding lives. NOT Allowing the norms and formalities of society to dictate our choices and guilt ourselves to wrinkles is… well, it’s absolutely beautiful.

To contrast my argument, can something that feels so good truly be so finger-licking wrong? Or are we lying to ourselves again? We do it so often, it’s like we can’t even tell the difference without some shrink’s patriarchal opinion of what “true love” entails. We question ourselves. We feel dumber for not knowing the answer. We feel dumber for sleeping with dumb people. We allow their energies and their personalities to crowd our own head space, to make us feel pushed away, so pushed away that we actually beg for more time together instead of seeing things as they are. Instead of appreciating our partner’s beauty, and letting them go, without an inch of guilt, just a cigarette in bed and a sunrise hard to miss.

I have read that women’s bodies face the alpha male or female of the group. Or gazes may not turn, but our feet will point to the person we are most attracted to, no matter what. I have seen myself fall into this phenomena. Our subconscious desires dictate our bodies’ movements. If you need a good lay, if your body is aching for it in a way that you feel is healthy and justified, there really isn’t a reason for those feelings of guilt to reach their goal: to shame you. We silly humans can be our own worst enemies; we really are hopeless romantics. We want and want and want, and when we get, we regret.

As for men, I have read you perceive with your left eye and not your right. I’m not exactly sure how to explain what that means, but let’s just say… if you ask us to stand to your left, we know you care and need to perceive us at your side, to know we’re here to stay. In that way, we are not so completely different, we are mammal. We are connected by desire and physicality and societal limitations.

So, let’s enjoy ourselves. Let’s not be gold nuggets in a running river of ice. Let’s be complimentary, easy to find, and easy to get. We won’t be made silly for it.

Lady Gaga gets it.

Candied Cynicism

My grandmother always aims to visit for the Holidays. Since we’re both from Buenos Aires, where putting Christmas lights on a 23 story apartment building is redundant, she always insists on visiting Candy Cane Lane. For those of you who don’t have those words ingrained into your childhood memories, Candy Cane Lane is a neighborhood where home owners sign contracts to decorate their houses with over-the-top lighting and props around the Holidays. Without fail, I visit this upscale, mostly Christian, Caucasian neighborhood that becomes multi-colored and all-inclusive for the holidays, every year. And every year I have a realization, but I’ve just decided 2012 takes the Christmas Cake for most haunting and evolutionary.

As a child, I realized it was boring to drive through Candy Cane Lane, and would throw fits until I was allowed to walk with the crowds. As a pre-teen, I realized the Churros were made in microwaves and over priced. As a teenager, I saw the duality in existence by taking LSD and trekking through the nearly empty neighborhood too early in the season, with friends, because my parents were getting a divorce. As a mother, I realized toddlers aren’t interested in looking at anything from the window of any car, and they will get sick if exposed to the cold even for a few minutes. Lastly, just days from the end of the world, I realize I am a Cynical person, candied with blind optimism.

As we drove in bumper to bumper traffic, struggling to take photos with our iPhones of the million dollar homes drowned in tiny glittery lights and dressed-up palm trees, I became increasingly aware. Among the life size Snoopies and Grinches and real life Santa Clauses, I became aware of the symbolism in the entire spectacle. I watched as already rich and privileged children sold hot chocolate to strangers in the street, wondering whether my judgment was biased and jaded. All children deserve to host hot chocolate stands, don’t they? I mean, it’s not their fault children in the middle east are being killed by drones, and that there are children here in America waiting for beds in shelters to open. While they pocket the cash and put it toward a new toy, it’s not their fault they are being introduced to the shortcomings of Capitalism by making profit off the suffering of less fortunate. Is it the parent’s job to educate these privileged kids, or to allow them the innocence of childhood that everyone deserves? At the end of the day, is there such thing as innocence in the year 2012? I came to the cynical conclusion that even behind a hot chocolate stand in one of the most joyful and pristine neighborhoods I have ever witnessed, there is some underlying evil.

Am I a Scrooge? A cynical, jaded victim of the unfortunate truths in America?

The answer to my own haunting question is Yes. I am not as enlightened as I am infected with the notion of equality. When I looked at the smiling faces of middle aged men in Santa hats, and young uncles holding wide-eyed babies in front of expensive fire pits, I saw acceptance and genuine happiness, beauty and celebration, contentedness and perfection. Why did it make me cringe? Why did it put scars on my heart and keep me up late thinking about the injustice of it all? Because while it isn’t immoral to bask in our happiness, it is irresponsible. It is irresponsible to not use your resources to make some sort of progress for the rest of the world. It is wrong if I don’t use my writing to promote equality, so that I can promote a personal agenda instead.

And it is wrong to let children profit off tourist attractions. But, who the hell am I to judge? No one. What do I know? Nothing. In the new era, after the Mayan Calender ends, and the collective consciousness continues to expand, I vow to no longer be a spectator, and to participate in changing irresponsible ways of life, even with all my blatant contradictions.

Yes, I went Christmas shopping. Yes, I splurged on my daughter. Yes, I still enjoy trying on new outfits. Yes, I save up for tattoo’s and sunglasses.

Yes, I am guilty.

Merry Whatever! 

The Broke Girl’s Guide to the Holy-Daze.

Yes, it’s that time again. Time to exclude yourself from family gatherings, sport just a wee-bit of holiday guilt, but remain happy as hell to send a card from the warmth of your own happy home instead. It’s also time to remember the tiny trinkets of our existence as a collective consciousness, those simple moments that makes us come together, and the material indulgence that captures it all.  Although ya may not see it in the media, for most of us, this daze of holiness isn’t about splurging on the people we hope to impress, or to network with the people who neighbor our cubicles. Whether your focus is religious or commercial, Holidays shouldn’t be about the stress. Holidays are about taking a damn well-deserved break in my neighborhood. Why not make gifting about expressing yourself, but make your list all-inclusive, while also saving a bunch of money? Let the good times roll, and pardon my cliches.

While I write this list, I am fully aware that my idea of what this season entails may be much different from yours. I am fortunate enough to be clothed and sheltered, with access to the internet and the time to write this article. I am not indifferent to the fact that “gifting guides” are by nature not all inclusive, because my world differs greatly from yours, whether you are struggling to find a place to live, or struggling to eat – I am no stranger to going hungry, and am sensitive to the idea of building happiness on the misfortune of others. So, this list will include products as well as ideas to express love, with no intended insensitivity to the misfortunes and cruelty of the world around me.

Here are 5 gift ideas under 20$ that might just save our broke butts.

1. Sammy Dress – up to 20$

Two words defined by: Glamorous dresses and handbags for under ten bucks. Every person ever should know about this Eastern website where dresses  average eight dollars and handbags fourteen. If you don’t believe me, browse for yourself. You’ll find any high quality garment from men’s clothes to hair bows.

Sammy Dress

2. Soda Saver – up to $6

Here’s a product that dispenses your soda and keeps it carbonated, for those of us who can’t afford to be throwing them out. It’s for 2 liter bottles and costs 5.89.

Neat Stuff

3. Goat Milk Doughnut Soaps – up to 5$

These would make great additions to gift baskets or wrapped to make someone smile. Or, so they’ll think of you in the shower.

Buy on Etsy

4.  Mustache Accessories – up to 5$

Very simply: Make your crew the coolest on the block by buying everyone a mustache accessory. These Mustache shaped earrings cost up to 3.99$.

Etsy Again

5. Tins of Tea – up to 7$

I love and love and love drinking tea endlessly. It brings the spirit of winter in every blend, and makes one feel centered and serene. Why wouldn’t your friends  and family dig this magnificent simplicity as a gift? Enlightenment included.

Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Tempest

May your Holy-Daze be amusing and memorable.

Why We Should Adore Gwen Stefani, Still.

It wasn’t throwback Thursday. It was actually a Friday. I was surfing the interwebz even though I should have been studying for finals and I came across several articles about Gwen Stefani and No Doubt’s comeback. I don’t know how they have done it (being signed to Interscope, where you’re either loved or dropped) but they have managed to stay relevant through every single record release. It all started when I dropped my daughter off at pre-school and her teacher wore a concert T-shirt and told me the drummer, Adrian, is still wearing thongs on stage. YES.

Watching the videos for “New” and “Trapped in a Box” really reminded me why I was obsessed with this band as a little girl.  While Radiohead took me to distant lands, where I could forget my middle school reality, No Doubt lifted me back on my feet when I didn’t understand the world. Let me Clarify. Gwen’s circus of raggae, ska, old school rave, feminism, and 20′s serial killer femme fatale, has always made perfect sense to me. And here’s why it should entice you, still.

3 Reasons Why We Should Adore Gwen Stefani, Still.

1. SKA, the Self Titled album, and the Beacon Street Collection.

Let me first explain that I had to do zero research for this article because I’ve had these dates and information memorized since I was twelve, when the infatuation began. No Doubt started as the down-home So-Cal ska band, with John Spence and Eric Stefani as the founders, who teamed up at a Dairy Queen. Unfortunately John Spence committed suicide before their first gig, and Gwen replaced him as the lead singer, paying homage to him. Their first album, which wasn’t nationally recognized, was a hit in the Orange County / Huntington Beach / and local Ska community. Songs like “Sad For Me”, “Big City Train”, and “Paulina” didn’t make it big thanks to the growing Grunge scene, but remain pillars of the Ska genre. Let’s show them we haven’t forgotten and get hooked on these tracks again.

2. Push Ups on Stage and “Just a Girl’

Gwen was known in the 90′s for resembling the half “tomboy” (I know, bear with me) and half fashion-obsessed Mod Queen. She surprised America by doing push ups on stage, jeweling and letting her bra-straps hang out, having hard-rock athletic abs, and leading No Doubt to stardom. Looking at this while you’re a young girl, really makes you want to smash the symbols of patriarchy, and lets you know there are adults who can lead you through it valiantly rather than tell you what to wear and what to become. Another No Doubt song “The Magic’s in the Makeup” captures the feeling of being closely and uncomfortably associated with our makeup bags. Lastly, “Beauty Contest” is the ballad that exploits how we feel when trying to keep up is taking it’s toll on our worth. The lyrics blare out “My vanity is such a mess, I’m obsessed with the beauty contest.”

3. The Romance and the Break Up Therapy.

It was dramatic enough when Gwen and Tony of No Doubt kept their romance a secret for one year because it was understood there would be no dating within the band. After about seven years, their romance ended and thus “Don’t Speak” and “Simple Kinda Life” were born. It seems with every break up and every encounter, there’s a No Doubt song to calm our nerves and remind us that we are human. The song “Bathwater” showcases the lyrics “I don’t fit in, so why do you want me? I know I can’t tame you, but I just keep trying”. Believe it or not, this was my song to my elementary school sweetheart. Shortly after 911, my activist mentality was born. I realized I was more sensitive to social issues and stigma than the other children in my fifth grade class. I began pointing out Middle Eastern and Muslim prejudice at this time. I ratted on my school mates who expressed this prejudice, started verbal rallies against it when I saw it, and practiced demonstrations of acceptance (like drinking out of the same water fountain as a Muslim boy, yes, sadly it came to that). This was contrasted by a popular boy who was my “boyfriend” for the entire year at my new school, despite the assaults against me, and the other misfits. Those lyrics captured the feelings of not fitting in, as well as my first crush. Ohhh, sweet childhood!

Gwen Stefani literally set the stage for my start as a Feminist. She inspired my identity, while also keeping me grounded enough to enjoy the “Simple Kinda Life”. When my daughter was born, I finally understood what she meant when she said “My pregnant mind is fat-full with envy”. I will never forget the moments when No Doubt was the soundtrack.

Muslim debate in France

Extend face/body covering ban to the rest of the world?

I believe in expanding our consciousness past borders and religious customs that urge us to lose our physical identity. I also believe in tolerance and allowing people to make their own religious decisions, despite how justified my reasoning may be over theirs, or vice-versa.

I understand the French leader who banned this custom believes it to be demoralizing to women, but that could easily be taken for blind prejudice with out making an effort to understand the culture.

So, no more bans. If you want to make a point, educate to liberate. Bans are fascist. And I realize our opinions about what it means to be free, and what it means to be a woman can become quite heated. However, when in doubt, always tolerate.

Medium Length Misogyny

Every time I get too comfortable in a hair style, I either cut it at a no-name barber shop, or chop it / shave it off myself. Not trying to sound like little Miss Tank Girl… but, I do want to emphasize why I do it. I do it to remind myself that my beauty AND happiness aren’t measured by the length of my hair. Is it more absurd that I refuse to feel comfortable or that we tend to calculate our worth by the length of our hair? IS IT mature and masculine to have short hair, and is it young, fresh, and feminine to have long hair? Do we actually allow men to define what kind of hair is socially accepted? When on Pinterest we define our medium length hair as “awkward”, we are actually taking from what should be beautiful in the here and now. And if god forbid we shave it off, or let a little hair grow under our arm pits, we are condemned unfeminine. But what exactly IS femininity if not what you  and I embody? After all, we are females.

If we aim to define an aspect of a male’s life, we are controlling and sociopaths. When we become conscious of “the game” we play to please men, we are undesirable and “hateful”. When a male controls a woman, it is absolutely legitimized by society.

My daughter despises combing and getting her hair done, so she never gets it done. Plain and simple, as my telemarketer boss used to say after every not-so-simple statement, misogynistic ideas of men controlling what is deemed beautiful must end in our daughter’s  appearances. If you’ve ever read The Real Mad Men, you know that our emotional attachment to our beauty products and hair styles in the 20th century has always been meticulously organized by advertisers and media outlets, mostly male dominated, who have created what is “beautiful”.

I have always defined beautiful as  ”be-you-tea-full”. Yeah, sounds pretty simple-minded and I saw it on a t-shirt in the sixth grade, so-fucking-what. To me, it means to be full and healthy, free as tea, and a reminder to “be me” because being someone else is quite impossible. As women we should define what a beautiful woman entails, and it should be different for every entity. For my daughter’s friend who loves to get her hair brushed, tied, hair-sprayed, and pig-tailed, that is true beauty. To my daughter who allows her curls to be mostly knotted and free-flowing… that is true beauty.

So repeat after me, ladies and gentlemen:

As much I aim to keep men out of my uterus, I will strive to keep them out of my mirror, and my self esteem.

Viva!

How I get well. The inspiration for this site.

I am sick and bored out of my eye sockets.

So, I have decided to rebel against the Go Daddy website I am paying to be constantly spammed on. However, I did not create this site to bitch and complain about my irresponsible consumerism. I created this pretty little page to ramble about smashing patriarchy and to showcase my lifestyle in a positive manner as to connect with other human beings in the empathy box known as the inter-webz! I am so very excited to be back on a free WordPress site, and to protest the site I paid for.

With that being said, you may know me from publications on Mila’s Findings.com ;]

Today, as my nostrils fill to their brims with snot, I am very excited to show you guys how I bike-ride through life and experience this lovely world, starting with how I get well. Being sick and slightly disoriented, I was inspired to document some of the home remedies I agree with, and the ones that just don’t work for me. (Disclaimer: just because an ingredient helps me doesn’t mean it won’t kill you because we inhabit different incarnations).  My family and I live a mostly holistic lifestyle, which means alternative medicines are not the alternative in our home. It also means medicine is a hell of a lot less scary, and most of the time, a lot more effective.

If any of this sounds like “beauty tips”, think of it more like health tips because beauty is a lot more subjective than this. Heroin chic lives on.

Wow, where to begin?

For Your Amazingly Gorgeous Face

- For glowing face - You won’t believe this amazing discovery, but you won’t be able to live without it either. Mix one part water and three parts baking soda into a paste. It will feel like a soft scrub in your palms and in your fingertips. Rub on your cheeks, chin, and forehead. Do not leave on or scrub it excessively. Be cool like Fonz and massage gently into your skin, then wash out with a hot towel. Your face will glow instantly. I would do this once a week for facial fluorescence.

- For acne scars –  The “miracle drug” for acne scars is something most people have in their kitchens and are unaware of, which of course, would happen. Olive oil can be used and left on as long as needed to treat acne scars. Olive oil dissolves oil so it will actually treat oily faces as well, which was a mouthful. What I do is take some alone time to relax and create an olive oil and sugar mask. I take two table spoons of olive oil and rub it on my face; I can literally instantly peel dead skin and scabs off. Then, I sprinkle a spoon full of sugar onto my face and leave it on for about thirty minutes. It can be left on as long as wanted. Lastly, I scrub off with cool water and dab a hot towel over my face.

- For dark eyes –  This has been a genetic problem for me, and was fueled by anemia after my daughter’s birth. The blood and sleep loss after my operation left my eyes darker than ever. It was very depressing to feel like I was doing everything I could for my daughter, except take care of myself, and it showed in my face. Dark eyes have a lot to do with diet, and proper care. The papaya and pineapple enzymes pictured above can be found at your local Trader Joes and will help brighten your eyes. Eating fruits and vegetables like tomatoes, papaya, pineapple, avocado, and lowering your sugar / caffeine intake will help tremendously. Also, be sure to lessen your heavy eye make up because removal causes stress to the sensitive area around your eyes. Aaaand lastly, I dip two circular cotton pads into a container of half water and half pure squeezed lemon juice. I lay the pads on both of my eyes (can also be done with cucumber or lemon slices) and remove after fifteen minutes. Don’t open your eyes either; that would just be silly.

P.S  - I had heard that caffeine from green tea helps the area around your eyes. But putting tea bags over my eyes really did not work for me. It was very, very irritating and it burned like Satan was throwing up on my face. Also, it left dark residue on my eyes which kind of upset me. How did it work for you?

For Your Amazingly Gorgeous Hair

This hair mask WORKS!! – Do this once a week and you’ll be golden, literally.

Three egg yolks + one cup of olive oil, castor oil, or coconut oil + one cup of room temp. mayonnaise

= a hair mask to leave in for 1-2 hours and wash out in two separate rinses.

Do this for three weeks and you will have stronger, longer hair.

Apple Cider Shine - If you have dull and lack-luster hair, apple cider can be mixed with ingredients like olive oil, mayonnaise, egg yolks, and castor oil for optimum shine-a-tron.

For Relaxation

Lavender and sea salt – Only rock sea salt will do for this one, and it’s very apparent why. The sea salt rocks exfoliate skin and help detoxify your body from a long, otherwise dirty day. The natural lavender oil can be purchased at Whole Foods, Trader Joes, or any local market that carries incense/oils. A few spoon fulls of lavender and a cup of salt will provide the most lovely bath, you’ll forget you live above an Austrian war survivor who is scared of footsteps, and find yourself a lavender field of dreams. P.S you can buy this pre-made in the form of a scrub. Yay forevahhh.

Apple Cider & Epsom Bath – My favorite! A very wise holistic therapist advised me that apple cider vinegar is vital for relaxation after intense meditation sessions or hypnosis or regression therapies. Whenever you have had an extremely  annoying day OR an extremely enlightening day. one cup of apple cider vinegar and one cup Epsom Salt mixed in your bath will provide stellar relaxation to further the experience, so you can make the most of it.

For Infections & Illness

Cold sore or fever blister cure – If you get fever blisters after you’ve been sick or if you are genetically prone to getting cold sores during intense weather, here are some very special holistic cures. Online you’ll find fun solutions like applying nail polish remover on the sore or popping it and inserting crushed advils in the sore, which is cool and all if you’re fucking ballsy like that. No, no, no, there are other natural ways to go through this sort of thing. Firstly, don’t freak out and touch and pop and pick until you make it worse. Breathe, apply some tea tree oil once an hour, and it’ll be gone in five days tops. Keep the infected area dry and cold, which means apply tea tree oil, hydrogen peroxide or peppermint oil once an hour with out touching or moisturizing. Moisturize after it’s all over. Fin! 

-To cure Pinkeye - I have used apple cider vinegar for my daughter. She was about two and a half when she got her first and so far, only, pinkeye infection. Like lemon juice and salt water, vinegar is effective in cleaning up infections. Quite simply: dab a cotton ball in either pure apple cider vinegar or mix with water. Do not put the cotton ball directly on the eye, but rather dab and clean the sides of eyes where the infection is leaking. She was cleaned up in about three days. Hah!

-To cure Super Intense Acne - This can be used for white head or infected acne spots. Putting a large amount of this or over a large area is actually very irritating to my skin, so I only do this for singular problem areas. If you have an especially huge zit that can easily be infected, use the vinegar over that spot to clear it up quick.

Back to my ridiculously seasoned veggie broth.

Fin.